GI JOE Retaliation

GI Joe Retaliation spent 1 year in post production just so they could add 3D effects to the film. IMO, they really shouldn't have bothered.

So what is GI Joe Retaliation about? Well, it's really Episode 5: Cobra Strikes back, but with a lot lousier dialogue/plot and no dramatic twist at the end. At the end of GI JOE, Cobra Commander was captured along with Destro but they had managed to get Zartan into the White house, posing as the President. 

This takes place a few years after that apparently. Which explains WTF there are almost no people from the first film starring in it. Except Duke and the two ninjas. And Duke dies later on anyway. So the Joes have gone from being an international operation like they were in the first movie to an American one. They get sent on a mission to retrieve nukes from Pakistan and then get set up by the President who then eliminates most of them except for 3 survivors, Jaye, Roadblock and Flint. He then announces their 'deaths' to the world and states he's starting up a new special force unit called...COBRA. 

Wait what? Seriously, considering that COBRA was a major antagonist in the first film; what with having destroyed the eiffel tower and parts of Paris, how on earth did this not raise any red flags in the movie? And seriously, stop wiping out the Joes in every film. It's getting ridiculous. Here they are, supposed to be the best of the best and they almost get wiped out in every film. It's the worf effect but it's still damn annoying. 

But this film does follow its tropes and predecessor very heavily. Sure, there's no Scarlett in the film but now there's Lady Jaye. Who is also an independent, ass-kicking woman who happens to look like a Victoria's Secret model. Who's also insecure. Who's also the first person to take off her bullet-proof jacket and vest so they can show off her pretty white shirt while all the other males get to keep their armor on. Who's also insecure and then ends up liking the first person who tells her 'hey, you look beautiful'. Seriously, I should try this line sometimes. Once I meet an ass-kicking independent woman who looks like a lingerie model and who's secretly insecure. 

Storm Shadow finds out he's been betrayed all his life. Although seriously, the sheer number of coincidences needed to get him to join Cobra are pretty wtf. And apparently, he never once thinks 'hey, maybe Cobra manipulated me' but he does think 'Shit, someone framed me. Who had the most to gain from it?' I don't know, maybe Cobra? And wtf are there NO japanese in the japanese ninja clan? Storm shadow is korean, Snake eyes is american and Jinx is from Cambodia. Even their master is african-american. Is this an actual ninja clan or a gathering of weaboos?

So in a sorta Xanatos Gambit, Cobra gets the world countries to disarm their nukes. Even N.Korea, who I figured would have said 'fuck you'. And seriously, htf does N.Korea even have that many nukes when their nuclear plant can only process enough material at most ONE nuke per year and they've only just started it? And seriously, why is China not included in the meeting of world powers with nukes?

Then they reveal their grand master plan. Which involves dropping large tungsten rods onto the earth from Orbit and letting it crash into the earth to generate shockwaves large enough to destroy London. Yes, that is the first target they pick and yes Cobra Commander is an idiot. Instead of destroying one of the worlds richest cities, why not destroy someplace like I don't know...N.Korea? Seriously, what are they going to miss there? And that's not even pointing out all the flaws with their master plan, which can be found here. Not even sure why they chose that particular plan.

In the end, Cobra is thwarted, the Joes swear revenge and Episode 6 will probably be called 'Return of the Joes'. 

Overall, this film was very disjointed. The scenes cut way too abruptly and too frequently. Granted, they were trying to show 2 different subplots at once, what with Snake Eyes retrieving Storm Shadow and Roadblock and the others returning back to USA. But it still felt very disjointed. The action scenes were meh-ish, including the ninja fight scenes. Which was sad because I can still remember a lot of the better fight scenes from the first film, including the part where Snake Eyes is chasing Stormshadow through Paris and all the stunts that they did and how Storm Shadow said 'He gave up? He never gives up'. Yet, there was nothing in this film that had that same kind of impact.  

If there was a third film, I'd probably watch it if it featured heavy ninja action. but that's probably about it.