Thursday, 9 January 2014

47 Ronin

OMG, Why did I watch this?

Okay, I think a few things went wrong with the whole concept of the 47 Ronin. First of all, Keanu Reeves. 2nd of all, apparently the person who wrote Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift was also the one who wrote the screenplay for this. Lastly, Keanu Reeves. 

So this movie is the story of a Creepy White Guy who inexplicably ends up with the only hot Asian female in the show. Yay Hollywood. Glad it knows what its target market is. So Keanu is this outcast, thought to be half-demon, and then there's this chick who is his Lords hot daughter. And then there are some issues and the chick has to marry this other guy who's like totally evil and then Keanu ends up fighting some dragon for the chick and then bummer, Keanu dies. But not before writing a love poem for the chick so she can totally be a spinster and die lonely while waiting for him. Oh and there are these parts about 47 other asian guys too but like no one cares about them, cause it's all about CWG and his asian love interest. Like totes. 

If you're reading this and imagining me with a valleygirl accent, it's on purpose. This is about as intelligent a review as this movie deserves. 

Okay, first of all...why is Keanu Reeves in this? Or better yet, why is there a need for a Caucasian actor in the first place?? Other than the whole 'hey, we put this in here so you guys can identify with him' schtick. Ugh. This is no better than the Last Samurai. 

Secondly, the sheer butchering of the 47 Ronin story is...Well, I guess I can't complain too much because Japanese media is always butchering western folklore/mythology/history anyway. Note, King Arthur is not female... Also Rin is the best girl anyway. 

So if this was just a normal story, without being an adaptation of any historical story, it would still be a crappy film. Except in this case, it's a crappy film AND an insult to the original story (which wasn't that great anyway)

Alright, things I didn't like. Keanu Reeves. Why the daughter of a feudal lord is able to run around willy-nilly without guards. Why the daughter is a dumbass. Seriously Hollywood, GO read Louis Cha novels on how to write medieval asian females who are at least intelligent and kick-ass. The escape from the Dutch colony. How 2 guys, one of whom is probably the only asian there, can escape an entire colony of people trying to stop them is wtf. The fact that Keanu apparently has matrix style speed, the fact that the fox can breath fire in one scene and never does so again. The actress who acted as the fox (please please go to acting class in english). The scene where they stormed the castle, somehow managing to go past dozens of armed guards without alerting anyone. Wtf? The fox turning into a dragon (why a dragon?? Dragons are lawful good in asian mythology!). The useless female lead. The fact that apparently none of the 47 died in the fighting despite being outnumbered 5-1 at least. There were literal scenes where they were being swarmed by enemies. The fact that when their lord died, all the enemy samurai just bowed down and let the 47 pass. Wtf? What happened to getting vengeance for your lord and all that?

What did I like about the show? Um...there were at least plenty of fight scenes. Which at least put this a step above Hobbit2 for me. Which is pretty weird. But then I found Hobbit2 really really boring. And long-winded. With less than decent dialogue. 

Overall. Do not watch this film.