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Friday, 1 February 2013

Hansel and Gretel

Hansel and Gretel is a tale of two children who were abandoned by their parents, held hostage by a witch, end up killing her and deciding they liked it. And the becoming witch hunters.

I'll admit, I liked the film even though it was cliched most of the time. So Hansel and Gretel grew up to be badass witch hunters, who end up having to stop this evil witch plan to make themselves immune to fire so that yay, one less thing can hurt them. Which doesn't really make sense to me because other than fire, they're still vulnerable to being shot, being chopped to bits and being decapitated. I mean, why fire of all things? It's such a fickle thing considering almost no one is going to run towards you swinging a torch but they will run to you with swords and bows. Plus, you have to incapacitate the witch first to be able to start burning them. Seems like they should have made themselves immune to swords. Or sharp edged weapons. 

So the witches plan to sacrifice 12 children on the night of the blood moon, as well as the heart of a grand white witch, to be able to gain fire immunity. Apparently, that grand white witch is Gretel because her mother was a white witch. Which explains why they're immune to magic. Years ago, the grand evil witch spread rumors to the townsfolk which made them burn Hansel and Gretels mother at the stake, all because she wanted the heart of a grand white witch and the mother was too strong for the evil witches to overcome so they had to get rid of her and then use Gretel's heart. And apparently white witches are too proud to learn to run even when they know the townsfolk are coming to burn them. Good going mother. 

Also, you would think the mother would have made more witch hunters to hunt down the bad witches since she can cast spells that make people immune to evil magic. I mean, the darkside is already trying to kill her, why not return the favor? 

So in the end Hansel and Gretel foil their evil plan and save the day. And then go around killing more witches. 

While I liked the film, I really felt it could have been a lot better. By being less cliched for one. And being a lot darker for another. I get the feeling that it was really supposed to portray the siblings as budding sociopaths; a feeling exacerbated by the way they kill their first witch when they were children. Hansel was supposed to be the more thuggish one, the one without the brains but who was perfectly willing to kill and showing more than a hint of sadistic glee in murdering witches while gretel would have been the hannibal-like one. The brains of the operation, who would be a much better at torturing people than Hansel, cause that would feed into her sadism. Instead, it really felt half-half with how they portrayed the characters.

Another thing is 'why does no one ever SHOOT on sight anymore?'. There were dozens of times where the duo had witches burst in on them but they never bothered to shoot first, ask questions later. Instead, they always tried to ask questions first before trying to disarm the witch. That made no sense to me.

Lastly, what the fuck is up with the tech level displayed by Hansel and Gretel?? They have a fucking gatling gun. A FUCKING GATLING GUN. As well as insulin shots. What the fucking hell. That's way too much for my suspension of disbelief.

On the other hand, I find Gretel quite hot. Apparently, I'm attracted to British chicks. Go figure.